The longing we hide...

 You feel the press of these walls all night,

Each moment stolen, always out of sight.

In rooms where only shadows can see,

An unconditional love feels conditional to me.

You long for hands, that won’t shirk come light,

That won’t pull away nor hold on tight.

I long for lips, that speak without fear,

Of whom might judge or who may hear.

Yet still we hide, beneath our mask,

Each wondering why, yet never ask...

Home.

 

I'll miss you 2010

Even though I had decided long ago to stick to my moleskin, I had to come back here to pay homage to 2010. What a year. I've been very lucky in the sense that most years have been very good to me but 2010 was exceptional. Bittersweet yes but nonetheless the best year of my life.

It would be hard for me to pick a starting point or describe why its been so good. But for me, who serially advocates living life, that has to be the biggest reason I guess. I went places, met fantastic people, questioned and finally figured out myself, lost all inhibitions and in a word lived. Sydney had been very good to me till I moved to Singapore in March and it's been a great move. I miss everyone in Sydney everyday but in a good way. I feel like finally all the pieces have fallen together and life is just so great. I've been so happy this year that I didn't even give a damn about a few setbacks here and there. Just steam rolled them.

Even though 2010 feels like a final performance, I have a feeling it's more akin to a prelude than a sequel. I'm a bit hesitant heading into 2011 because I don't think it could ever be so much fun again. But I've been wrong before...

SSOH

The rooftop. The side of the road. Takashimaya. The photo room. Your room. My room. The pool side. The store room. The swing. The airport. Fort canning park. Yishun. Damn you.

After all this time...

After all this time, it's sad that I am still so naive. At least by now I should have known the difference between love and lies. I just wanted to fall in love but fell for the lies.

I only come back here for solace. In my most desperate moments. When I know there's nothing left to be done. It is so hard but I have taken this road before. It feels familiar. I know I've been in this place before.

Well I guess it is time to take a stand. It is time to remember that one must not ever lose their dignity. Even for love. As usual I will blame myself. As usual I will move on. As usual I will be happy again. As usual I will fall in love (or for the lies). And I'll look for you once more.

Never Let Me Go.

You were in my thoughts again,
How can I even begin to explain?

How these memories are all around,
Is it only me they surround?

At times I wonder if you remember me,
Are you suffering too or are you free?

Why is this feeling still so strong?
Even when you’ve been gone so long.

Despite all, I never want to forget,
No matter the pain or the regret.

You will always be in my heart,
Even after the ending, like the start.

Remember the promise you made ages ago,
Stay with me always, never let me go.

Itni Mudatton Ke Baad...

Itni mudatton ke baad, ek pyaar ki jaagi kashish,
Hazaron isharein dekar bhi na aaye woh.

Shaayad thi aankhon ki nami ya dil ki naadani,
Saath ho kar bhi na nazar aaye woh.

In akshon ki kya keemat, jab ye rukhi na paaye,
Itna tadpa ke bhi chain na paaye woh.

Dil se uthi aah, wafa mein gayi dab,
Samjhaye na samjhe yeh khamoshi woh.

Itni mudatton ke baad ek pyaar ki jaagi kashish,
Hazaron isharein dekar bhi na aaye woh.

Monday, December 12, 2005

As my environment changes subtly, I realize that my dreams have formed a new reality. This strange lingering drives my mind in loops and time-holes. They entrap me in an invisible web of hope, mistrust, loyalty and legacy. A familiar faint silent vapor surges in every breath I take and clouds began to paint similar portraits.

Then I realize these twin eyes,

This vision I partake does not serve only me.

I realize that these eyes began

To dream not for one but two.

My regular drifting has been crowded, invaded

And saturated by similar clues.

Now I realize that, I am a fool.

-----, I think I have fallen in love with you.

The appeal of beauty.

I have long wondered whether there is a case among our midst where the attraction, gravitational pull, magnetism, whatever one might call it, between two beings was not based on beauty. This case I have been attempting to search for needs to have the prerequisite of finding the other person not attractive based on appearance and then after a conversation including a mention of the family fortune, the force of the, ahem, personality starts to draw one's interest.

Now, to not be misunderstood here, it should be made clear that the first impressions one normally has are all based on looks as you see the person first before initiating any other action. No, you cannot find out how rich they are yet.

So my question is, can one feel attracted to someone whose appearance does not come under "their type" ? Please note : Rich is NOT a type.

Mitigating circumstances such as money, a villa in the Bahamas, sport cars and a private jet are obviously understandable and persons affected by such circumstances will not be thought less of. In fact, their nickname starts with the word Gold and ends with _igger. These people for obvious reasons are excluded from this study.

If such a case does exist, here I am coerced by many into believing they as a matter of fact do, then one must consider the appeal of the personality over the appeal of beauty. Yeah right. I am sorry, I do not mean to come across as a cynic. Yeah right.

So now is the opportune time to consider the positives (bank balance, not married, no children) and negatives (weight problems, inability to put two sentences together, receding hairline) of arrangements such as these.

If one's attraction is based on the others sense of humor then the positive is that one would laugh once a day at the very least. But what happens when one runs out of jokes or they are not simply funny anymore. So not funny and not good looking. Very attractive indeed.

Next, personality. As in they are a huge personality to be able to attract someone despite their looks. Huge as in assets or maybe weight. Who knows. Alright no more Mr. Cynic. The one personality who comes to mind first and foremost as really epitomizing this attraction is the cricketer Imran Khan. But wait, yeah, not good looking.

Even looks. They are transitory and what happens after the years and years and years of having a gorgeous bf/husband or stunning gf/wife and the hot hot hot sex. Yes they finally lose their looks eh. So better to be attracted to the personality or the humor or even the hair for all it matters, they all surely last longer than the attraction based on beauty. Yeah Right!

A broken heart.

Lifehouse - Take me away.

This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
Ive seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you.

Take me away
Take me away
Ive got nothing left to say
Just take me away.

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I dont know what else I can do
Cause Ive seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you.

Dont give up on me yet
Dont forget who I am
I know Im not there yet
But dont let me stay here alone.

Ive seen it all
And its never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Ive seen enough
And its never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you.

Take me away
Take me away.

I am beginning to run out of words to explain how I have so unceremoniously landed at today. It really makes me wonder when I reflect and see those visions but those visions were partaken by two. Why am I the only one with the flashes. They seem to have come far too late. I won't give in though to this helplessness. While realizing that the person I am searching for is already far ahead on a path I've been attempting to track them on. How long can I continue as such? I never imagined it would be so grueling to follow these tracks which have been meticulously erased by them in their quest to leave love so far behind that it can never track them down.

I keep questioning where have I been for the past two years. I have no answer. It seems like someone put me in a heart numbing coma where I did not feel anything no matter how hard anyone tried. My heart was unreachable. Now it's simply broken. I keep dropping small pieces as I continue my hopeless journey down this lonely path looking for the footprints of a person who walked this path not so very long ago. I am all the while hoping it will be two people making the return journey and not one for these strewn about pieces cannot be put together solely by me.